MY DAILY BLOG

Dear bloggy,

God had given me such wonderful parents, proper food, proper place to stay, many friends, but why do i ask for more, why can’t i just shut the hell up and stop asking God for more..why my heart want someone so badly, I keep telling myself, i have love from my God,parents, and my friends, but why the hell do my heart keep asking for a relationship? why am i build like that, such a greedy human….damn……i wish to destroy that love hormones within me, its not fair, if i love a girl some other guy may like her too, and if the girl leave him, it builds jealousy…..SHIT…I HATE IT…I WANT TO DESTROY IT SO BADLY…I WISH TO RIP THAT PART OUT OF MY LIFE….STUPID LAWRENCE…SO FKIN GREEDY..
GREEDY BOY!!
GREEDY BOY!!  WHY?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

where is that part you used to say to urself? *i just want to see smiles on peoples faces and that completes my life*….huh? what happen to it……dammmm myself……**(*)*)#@*()$#$($#*$*

help me god, why am i build like that…i just dun understand why..why would a man love a women,and why would a women love a man……….and if love is that important, why must we have faces…why??!! when we have faces, we judge, WHY??!!
dammit..i bet no one in this world can answer this question

Dear bloggy,

its a short break for me now, guess what…i think, i did not do well in my finals. Anyway i will just keep on pursuing my goals in my life( to know more about networks, and focus more on my strength). Its been tough for me to communicate with people in my class, especially when there is people talking bad about people at the back..i do that do(which is why i hate myself),i try not to get involve, not because i don’ trust anybody, in fact i trus everybody in my class. I have also met a few friends who really helped me a lot during my decoration of pc fair, without them, i dun think the fair would be a success.
I have also changed quite a lot, i used to be really friendly with people, i love to help a lot, but some people just don’t know how to show some respect…its ok to say “fuck you” to me as many times…but not to the extend, when i just need a minor help from that person…it just hurts..yes..i am a very weak hearted person, i used to wack(i really punch till they bleed) people when i was young(those who bully poor kids), i used to be tough, and when i am tough, everyone seems to show some respect, but when i change to be a nice person(i humbled myself to the extend where i get hurt). Of course there is a good reason, i am doing this..i just love to help people and i want to show how much i love my friends, thats all. But there is also a part of me, i hate the cruel people so much that i could just hold them by their neck and say “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM…FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…CAN’t YOU JUST BE A NICE?!!”
Most of my friends treat me like an asset, when i am no use to them, they just throw me away. of course i can’t blame them, because time and stress made them that way. If they have lots of time and no stress, i bet they will treat me like a friend. Basically bloggy, i have no one on earth to tell this problem to, not even my friend, my housemate, my parents…yes i do cry to god sometimes…i know he hears my prayers, but at the same time i know i deserve it. I sin a lot…watch porn even though i promised to God that i will stop, cussed,backstab,……. , its like i poke a spear right in GOD’s heart….sumtimes..i just feel filthy, and although i ask for forgiveness from GOD, i know somehow i will recommit that sin again and again…….i am a sinner, a bad bad bad one. I dun know how many times i can ask for forgiveness, but still feel not ashamed that god has given me so much chances…some of my friends do watever they like in their life, they will do anything to get what they want….even if its a bad thing..should i be like them?? so much profit..i am always on the losing side….should i? i always have been asking myself this, whenever i am hurt by some person.

Here is some update bloggy

i am currently trying to collect old routers and start studying networking on my own. want to make a home network…filled with cisco routers..weeee

Dear bloggy,

Been into much hell lately, been through silent war with my roomate 2 weeks ago. The war started because i thought he is hiding something away from me, my first impression was..wtf did he do that? I have known him longer than his another friend..whom he just met few semester ago. This made me think that he is just treating me like a normal friend, rather than a best buddy. Why am i so sensitive…well…if i have a very very good friend..i put my trust in him and we hide nothing from one another and keeps your friends secret.

So actually, i was emo for more than a week, and i avoid talking with my roomate. But just 2 days ago, he had a problems with a girl…and all i did was just put my arms over him and told him that..evrything will be alright…at that time i was not angry with him anymore..but the scars of what he did remains. He had tears on his eyes, and then i told him to be strong, i know my roomate is a strong fella, but everyone has a breakdown point…and that day..he reached that point. After we chat for awhile…he told me that i am actually a good roomate, a friend and he told me that he is glad to have me as his friend. I was really really touched by what he said…i did not cry of course…but i break the walls in my heart between me and him( I AM NOT GAY).  He gave me a hug.  I don;t really know to express it in words…that what true friendship means. Its one of the key elements in my life that makes me worth to live on. cheah chern swern, i am really sorry for judgeging you from the outside, but never see the real person in you. You are indeed a good friend and a 1519 brother.

PS:
Thank you JESUS, for guiding me and being there for me even in my darkest hour when i tried to suicide.

Thanks Chandra for making me tea almost everyday, Thanks for supporting me when i was down emotionally. You have done more than a friend could actually give.
Thanks Sam for hearing out my problems and a good christian brother. thanks for fetching me to class..even when you are busy and tired.
Thanks narein for listening to my advise and not smoke, thanks for helping me in programming and listening to my problems.
Thanks Eugene for scolding me when i play game for too long…hehe..
Thank you 1519 brothers.

*saying thanks too much is not lame, i say it from a different way, i say it from my heart and i mean it*

When you have that
special woman, who makes
your heart skip a beat.
and your so crazy in love
your telling everybody.

that she’s your life, your
heart, your soul, your
babygirl but you just
don’t know what she’s
doing to you in this
world.

*CHORUS*

so I’m saying, fuck
the bitch. i don’t need
this shit. I’m gonna
live life to the fullest
and i have no regrets.

so fuck the bitch.
i don’t need this
shit. I’m gonna
smoke weed feel
high like it’s legit.

so fuck the bitch.
i don’t need this
shit. I’m gonna
live life to the fullest
and i have no regrets.
so fuck the bitch. i don’t
need this shit. I’m gonna
smoke weed feel high
like it’s legit.

and down the road
of your relationship
you realize. that
everything she said
to you was just her
lies.

and now you live heart
broken, and things seem
so strange. cause you
can’t believe that the
girl of your dreams
just played that stupid game

You have changed
I have changed
Just like you
Just like you

For how long
For how long
Must I wait
I know there’s something wrong

Your concrete heart isn’t beating
And you tried to
Make it come alive

No shadows
Just red lights
Now I’m here to rescue you

Oh I’m still alive
I’m still alive
I can’t apologise, no

Oh I’m still alive
I’m still alive
I can’t apologise, no

So silent
No violence
But inside my head
So loud and clear

You’re screaming
You’re screaming
Cover up with a smile I’ve learned to fear

Just sunshine
And blue sky
That’s just how it goes
For living here

Come fire
Come fire
Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I’m still alive
I’m still alive
I can’t apologise no

Oh I’m still alive
I’m still alive
I can’t apologise no

I’ve learned to lose
I’ve learned to win
I’ve turned my face against the wind

I will move fast
I will move slow
Take me where I have to go

Oh I’m still alive
I’m still alive
I can’t apologise no

Dear bloggy,

Happy New Year 2009^^, many things happen back in 2008, happy and sad moments. Well this year, its gonna a bit different. what are the changes? hehe…wun tell yet. Kampar, been raining quite a lot lately…the water level at the lake seems to have rose tremendously (until nearly reach the side of the walkway).
Chandra and me started cooking yesterday, it was kinda nice trying out chandra’s recipe…the vegetable sup he made today is very scrumptious..mmm..
chandra’s asleep right now, after a hard day’s work cookin(he cooked and made tea for me everytime, his future wife will be super lucky..XD..chandra can become the “housewife” jokin)…when i first came to kampar on the 2nd..my room is filled with dust, small puny insects, spiders, and worst of all the smell of bed smell….mosquitoes seems to be loving me a lot too, why? cuz i am sweet and handsome =.=…dammit the rainy season seems to be the best climate for mosquitoes to breed. All my hacking research is currently suspended till i do well in this coming semester. 1 more week till the new semester starts. Been spending some time with my bible and the Lord. Hope i wun stray too far from him again. okay bloggy, gotta go do sumtin else. ^^ God Bless.

First was the win32.Conficker A and now the Koobface. koobface uses the social network to spread itself, facebook (primary target)

Those who wanna know more about this and ways to not GET TRICKED into downloading the worm. Lazy to read….aww..just hope you don get pawned. ^^

http://www.avertlabs.com/research/blog/index.php/2008/12/03/koobface-remains-active-on-facebook/

Dear bloggy,

My health seems to be improving but emotionally its still the same. well, today i did lots of work..walking around the company complex scanning computers for a virus. will post a screenshot of that letter here. The matter was urgent, many computers were affected… me and my colleague saw the effects of the virus, working through the company’s system, we were aware, we even reported, but just because we are trainees..i dun think they listen. One computer can take up to 1 and a half hour of my being alone time. Following company policy and rules just to scan a computer sux…. it limits ur knowledge….

*staff* :”must do this, dun use that….”

*me*: ” but this is better….seriously…”

*staff* ” what to do….just follow”

My father lectured me few days ago, because i called my bro in russia using phone……my mistake, i waste money when i even have the internet to use to call him( i wun elaborate on this)…. father said i dun have to care so much about people’s feeling, keep to my principles…the lecture was normal until it suddenly came to this when i was saying that i call back to show kor kor that i care.

father: ” Kor kor knows what he is doing”

father: “YOU DOn’t need to care so much about peoples feeling,…u think people

in this world care about your feelings?”

me:” no”(no one actually…….no one)

father: ” u should care abt urself…keep to ur principles…dun care abt peoples

feelings….think bout urself first”

me: ” sure i will from now on” ( i think my father has been in m situation b4,   i

care too much about people…what people do or say leaves a great impact

on me, i am a soft person internally…..i just really hate this world a lot

sometimes not my friends…. the people nowadays)

I have been forcing myself to change this few days after that lecture, i find it if like i am too friendly to a person, a person steps over my head, if i smile..i look like an idiot, if i talk too much…i am a nuisance to them,………… i hate being myself….i want to be what the society made me into what i am going to be… just like a mirror…i do what you do. I am like a clown to friends, clowns make people happy but sometimes they feel sad, that clown hires another clown to make himself happy? neh…..he sits alone, thinking how foolish he is….but he always forgets how foolish he is when he sees a person’s smile on their face…..because that smile means a lot to him. True happiness.

Dear bloggy,

so bloggy, u like the new background i gave you? =) I love nature a lot…could be going to visit mother jungle tomorrow.

Well..the blood test for the dengue came back negative but the doctor said i have a serious infection. And yes it is…now my throat no more infection..its below my trakea(near my lungs)..it burn someties and it feels uncomfortable… haiz…looks like my health is detorating even though i take daily supplements, neem tablets, spirulina,..etc. My mom bought me all this pills, she spends a lot just on these pills… a good mom indeed. Mom was angry with me today, most of the time she forgets simple thing..so i jokingly says “december i bring you go brain scan”, i din know that would spark her anger and hurt her..she tought that I treat her like an old woman…she say i wun care about her after she old…i really feel hurt and angry…so i just kept quiet..if she say like that, why would i still care for grandma? WHY??!!!!! I know my attitude sometimes piss m mom off, but i know my sorries doesn’t mean anything to her. Suffering from other personal problems + this problem is total………………………. sadness.
Oh ya bloggy, sorry for the bad first…now comes the good part, this week…we get to go in the PABX room in the data center(big big big server room), get to patch phonelines…kinda fun. I think Maybank team is having some problems too…could be some serious malware…i tried to solve it..but can’t…even tried to play with the registry.
This seems to my temporary antidode for my sadness

www.trancefm.co.uk

oh ya…bloggy..amazingly she said “hi” to me yesterday..felt happy to chat with her.

Dear sweet bloggy,

aaahhhhh….. mosquitoes why?! why?! i haven’t killed any of your family members for almost 4 months already, but u just broke the PEACE contract. Got bitten yesterday, and now have all the symptoms of dengue, fever, metallic taste when swallow, abdominal pain……………. going for blood test tomorrow. I HATE HOSPITALS. I DUN WANA GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! haiz….my body is weak now…dunno why…haven tell parents yet, dun wan them waste money send me go stupid hospital……better drink more water. Going to sleep my dear blog..kinda tired. Nite